Those warm yellow walls

My mother was a big fan of Suchitra Sen. In one of her movies she was kept in a sanitarium next to a sea shore for her well being. When I was seven years old, I came to know about mental health and well being through that black and white movie. Later I explored about psychiatry, Freud, hallucination, hypnotism, dream and many more through Misir Ali. I'm not into sports. Being all alone in the house, those books were a great companion back then to spend my lazy afternoons. And that made me curious to know more about this wing of philosophy.

I volunteer for a queer collective in Bangladesh since many years and one of our very young volunteers committed suicide back in 2013. He did not know how to swim. His sudden death right before the New Year’s Eve compelled me to learn more about suicide and right then I came to know about KPR through a handbill in a notice board.

Today after five years when I go down my memory lane, KPR is always a very special space as it taught me how to listen in a non judgmental manner. KPR taught me how to be with a person in their crisis and how to differentiate empathy from sympathy. To me each and every phone call was exploring a new world where I’m holding the hand of that person and passing a topsy turvy pathway in a very slow manner where in the end it’s not misty anymore. It still gives me goosebumps when I think of that person who feels empty even after having everything in his life or the girl who still wants to go back to her partner no matter she sick of that abusive relationship.

What is most fascinating for me was the cozy atmosphere that drove me to be a volunteer for more than five years. in addition, it taught me about self-care avoiding self criticism. 

The traffic, unplanned urbanization, double standards, intolerance, policing,  classism, competition, blame game and the list can go on to make one frustrated. Parents in this patriarchal structure channel heir stress to their children which is never addressed however the kids have to be a doctor or an engineer. I was negotiating again and again to define normal, who decides it and how. is it the western academia who is defining mental health? Is it a colonial hangover, nationalism or a culture of collective denial? Is it an individual who is responsible for managing his or her depression or is it the injustice in the society that the ruling authority should fix? Is suicide a collective social issue or an individual's personal problem?

The questions are still there remaining however KPR gave me the breathing space to ventilate. It taught me to stand strong and fight back the system instead of blaming.  

We live in a world where care work can be bought. Money is the ultimate scale that measures each and every single matter in this capitalist society. However in KPR, every afternoon the cordial volunteers despite of their age, class or gender always greet each other with a  warm smile which is utterly precious in this chaotic city life of Dhaka. There is no competition in KPR among the volunteers. There is no super hero or heroine there among the volunteers. It's a safe space where volunteers can talk about their flaws.   The time there with a tea cup or a card game or silence among all was a perfect weekly meditation for me from all the hustle and bustle of this life. I kept on going there because of my own well-being. I kept on going there for the books, for sharing views, and for the fabulous people. I kept on going there to stare at the tender leaves of the aged star fruit tree through the window. I went there to discharge.

Thank you for being there with all your warm yellow walls KPR. Thank you.

There is one more thing that I’ve learnt from KPR. I was renowned for my poor cooking skills among my friends. But now I know how to prepare noodles. I know because I have done it almost every other week with my fellow mates. Sharing it with a bunch of people you care was always rewarding. 

So what is the anti capitalist reward that you have given it to yourself in this week?

Author

Living large in little boxes